Snakes...on a Plane

(If you can't read the text in the picture, just click on it)

Alright. A lot of you people have been making fun of the great hit "Snakes on a Plane." If you've been living in a planeless/snakeless hole for the past couple months, here's a brief tidbit about this tasty little morsel. First off, no movie critics were allowed to see the movie before it was released. Good move Mr. Movie Studio Exec. Hopefully if we stop letting those ass-clowns do nothing for a living they will die of starvation. Moving on.

Samuel L. Jackson plays an FBI agent. I can't remember his name, but it's not important. He's a badass. Then there's this other guy...again names are unimportant. Let's just call him Dave. Anyway, Dave sees this Asian dude, John Kim, beat this lawyer to death (take that Jeremy!) ...while the lawyer hangs by his feet from a railroad track overhead. And he does it with a baseball bat. This is all in the first 5 minutes, so you know it's going to be sweet for the next hour and whatever. Oh yeah, did I mention that the only reason it's called "Snakes on a Plane" is because SLJ would only do it if it was named that. Yeah, that's right. Take that "Action Packed Comedy Adventure on board an Airline filled with villianous reptilians of a wriggly nature." (You're probably wondering why I stopped using caps half through...and you'd be right if you thought it's because I got tired of hitting the shift key.)

So Dave has to be flown from Hawaii to LA for the testimony against John Kim. So Kim decides to fill the plane with deadly serpents to bring the plane down. What a great idea! Terrorists, hijackings, drivebys, kidnapping. That is so 1930s. PUTTING SNAKES ON A PLANE TO KILL SOMEONE IS THE BEST IDEA EVER! Or so one would think until they realize Samuel L. Jackson is on board. *insert lady saying "Shaft!" from the movie of the same name*

Along with Shaft is an excellent mix of characters. There's the cranky old British guy, the Asian kickboxer, the token black dude, the mom and baby, the hot stewdess (actually 2), the male flight attendant who's flambouant, a pilot played by some guy who's probably inbred, a token fat black dude, the fat lady, the little boys, the stupid dog, the hot dumb chick, the guy that's scared of flying, and oh yeah...tons of completely bite-your-face-off snakes. "Stealth" this is not.

"Snakes" is full of action. There really aren't too many dull moments in this movie. The snakes look terrible/awesome. I was expecting sock puppets with snakes drawn on them in Sharpie, but I was pleasently surprised. The effects = spectacular. I see an Academy Award, if not 12. Take that "Titanic".

On that note, I hate "Titanic". I was kind of glad it sank. Leonard DiCaprio is a flaming bag of suck. Remember when he said "I'm the king of the world" and all the dumb girls were like "Ooo...he's so senstive and charming and handsome!" No, he's an ass. If I were on that crappy boat I would have pushed him over the edge and then yelled "Look who usurped your throne now beotch!!!" And then did the D-Generation-X crouch chop thing that parents freaked out about back in the '90s. But my favorite part was ruining the ending. "I wonder how it'll end." You know you heard people say that. Hmmmm...I wonder. Does the ship avoid the GINORMOUS iceberg in the movie? Will it sink? Pay $6.50 to find out! Bite me James Cameron. You too Josh Harnett. "Pearl Harbor" was pretty much terrible. The only thing that could have made it better is if Ben Afleck was killed by a pipe to the medula within the first 10 minutes. That didn't happen. Until it does, that movie sucks too.

Anyway, "Snakes on a Plane" is probably one of the funnier movies to come out. Most of the stuff is that "We didn't really make it funny on purpose...but did" kind of stuff. Like the when this one guys gets bite while he's taking a pee. You can use your imagination to figure out where he got bite. Yeah fella's. I know you all just cringed. I know I did just writing that. Anyway, the movie is just "plane" stupid and hilarious. It'd probably be better if you were drunk, but I wouldn't know. *wink wink*. No Mom, I wasn't drunk. That was just a joke...or was it? No really, I wasn't drunk... Plus there's a music video at the end of the movie. Who doesn't like that?

Go see "Snakes on a Plane." It really is a decent movie. Way better than "Stealth", "Shitanic", and "Pearl Har-bore". If you don't like it, you don't have a soul. If you do like, Jesus loves you. You just have to see the movie to believe it. Don't hate, participate. And buy a Trace Bundy album while you're at it.

Plus the studio that made it really needs to make back the $3,768 they spent on it.